Facebook

A couple of weeks ago, I got a Facebook friend request from a long lost high school buddy.  Lisa and I met my freshman year in high school and remained friends, albeit from a distance, until I was 28.  Lisa married at 18 and a year later, she had a daughter.  Then she moved her family to Mississippi.  When I was 16, I drove down to see her, and babysat so that she and her husband, Gary, could have a night out.  I was Sally's first visitor babysitter.  It was quite an honor.  A couple of years later, Lisa had twins; Meredith and Miranda.  When I was 18, I moved to Florida.  On my way down, I took a detour through Mississippi to visit again and to meet the twins.  This was the last time I saw Lisa.  We talked periodically after that visit and tried to keep up with each other.  At 28, I had my son, Max.  I remember talking to Lisa after his birth and comparing notes on how to deal with babies, etc.  Then we lost touch – until a couple of weeks ago.

When I saw the friend request from Lisa, I had a flood of memories wash over me.  Practicing shot put and discus on the track team. The birthday party she threw for all of us late April/early May babies during my freshman year of high school.  Driving to Mississippi by myself at 17, after lying to my parents by telling them that I was driving down with another friend.  Stealing a keg from a frat house at Wash U.

She sent a message with her phone number and a brief summary of what she is up to these days. 

So I called.  We spent 4 hours on the phone.  We talked about everything.  We told each other about the trials and tribulations of raising kids.  We talked about where we had lived and what we had done over the past 20 years.  We shared memories and the demise of past dreams.  We talked about our health, which made us both laugh because we never would have had that conversation during our earlier years.  Talking to Lisa changed my perspective on some of the things going on in my life.  She has remained kind.  Even though life has thrown her some curve balls, she has not lost her humanity.  My conversation with her reminded me that I used to be a nicer person. 

She was actually interested in my life.  And I found that I was actually interested in hers.  Three days later, I called her again and we spent another 4 hours on the phone.  Four hours seems to be our magic number for two reasons.  The first is, that's how long the battery lasts in her phone.  The second is, that's about the limit of her energy.  She has not been well.  She is suffering from a congenital spinal problem which has drastically impacted her life.  She cannot work.  She cannot lift things.  She is very incapacitated.  She is mostly at home, with her dog, Loki, who is her constant companion. It makes me feel bad that I didn't know about this until now.  It makes me feel like I've been a pretty lousy friend. 

I wonder how things might have been different if we had stayed in touch over these past two decades.  Would I have had an easier time raising my kids with Lisa in my life?  After all, she had done a great job with her girls.  Would she have been my champion and sounding board?  Would I have been those things to her?  Had we stayed in touch, I suspect that she would have kept me nicer, simply by example.  I imagine conversations we might have had.  I imagine us helping each other with quality advice and, barring that, a sympathetic ear.  I imagine meeting up now and again, and our kids knowing each other in their youth.  I am sorry that we have all missed out on these things.

But I cannot dwell on the “what if's”.  Doing so keeps me in the past and in the land of regret – neither place I want to be.  So I am grateful that Lisa sent me a friend request.  I am grateful to have her back in my life, and I am grateful that we will have the opportunity to pick up where we left off. 

And, as painful as it is for me to admit, I am grateful to Facebook.