While on vacation in the Abaco Islands,
my ex-husband and I had to make a run into town for some fishing
gear. While Don picked out weights and lures for our son, I was
standing at the glass topped counter. Looking down I noticed a
detailed color chart of the island chain under the glass. Upon
closer examination, I noticed what looked to be the perfect cove.
What made it perfect is that it had something for everyone in our
group. We were traveling with 4 adults, 1 senior citizen and 5 kids
aged 18 mos to 10 yrs. The cove was a deep U shape, with a gentle
slope from the soft, white sand beach into the aquamarine waters of
the shallows: Perfect for the 18 mo. old and the senior. The soft,
sandy bottom gave way to a grassy bottom teeming with fish and, if
you snorkeled down a bit, conch. Perfect for the 10 year old fishing
fanatic. On the northern shore of the cove was a beautiful coral
reef. Great snorkeling and spear fishing for those old enough to be
trusted with weapons. Perfection!
So we went back to the house, gathered
everyone up, loaded the boat and took off. When we reached the cove,
it was even better than we imagined. We spent the whole day there
swimming, snorkeling, fishing. We had a lovely lunch and napped on
the beach. It was ideal. As the afternoon wore on, we decided it
was time to weigh anchor. As we were gathering up all the people and
gear, I noticed a large Stingray swimming in toward the boat. Then
another, and another, and another, and another. Five Stingrays with
wingspans of about 4 feet. Beautiful! They were gliding through the
water, circling the boat. Don and I had been watching a few minutes
when he commented that it looked like someone had been feeding them.
They behaved like cats waiting for the food bowl to be filled.
Looking at them again through this new perspective, I had to agree.
So what are good parents supposed to do? Apparently they grab their
kids, give them snorkeling gear and encourage them to get in the
water with the wildlife!
So, that's what we did. They were
very large and black, and moved with deft ability. As soon as we
were in the water, they swam right toward us, only to gently glide by
us, watching us with their big, Labrador Retriever eyes. At first,
it was very intimidating, but as they glided by with their barbed
tails calmly turning them back toward us, we became more at ease. I
swiped some squid that my son was using as bait and fed one of them.
If you haven't seen a ray in real life, their mouths are on the
bottom. So to feed it, I snorkeled down to the bottom, held the
squid up, and the ray swam over my head to get the squid. He knocked
it from my hand and it fluttered to the sandy bottom, where the ray
swam to retrieve it. It reminded me of a vacuum, gliding over a
carpet, picking up a tuft of dog hair.
This went on for about a half hour,
when I lifted my head from the water to see where everyone was. As I
stood to take a quick head count of kids, I noticed something in the
water just outside the entrance to the cove. I watched for a minute
trying to figure out what it was. I thought it might have been a pod
of dolphins, heading into the cove to hunt for dinner. Wow, that
would be great! Dolphins and Stingrays. That would be one hell of a
day! Upon closer observation, I realized they were definitely not
dolphins – they were sharks; black tip reef sharks, which are
pretty aggressive. Yikes! As adventurous as I may be in some
circumstances, I draw the line at sharks. “Hey kids, sharks! GET
BACK IN THE BOAT” I said with a total lack of calmness in my voice.
Sharks?! Okay! Time to go! We got
everyone back on the boat in record time and weighed anchor. As we
passed out of the mouth of the cove, the sharks were passing in. I
guess it's true, timing really is everything!
I looked at your comments from last week and tried to apply them to this story. I seem to want to provide a lot of back story. I tried to limit it in this.
ReplyDeleteBetter you than me! Isn't there a reason they call them stingrays???
ReplyDeleteBut, yes, this is a tighter piece than Henry's. Do you feel hampered by this sense that you have to focus and have to room to maneuver, to relax, to let a story find its own channel?
There is a golden mean in essay writing. They can be discursive, they can find side channels, but the shouldn't be sloppy around the edges either. On the other hand, an essay can focus in tightly on something, but while 'tight' might be good, a laser-focus might be overkill.
I think this threads that maze nicely. It doesn't sound as if you were denying yourself material, and it doesn't sound as if you were stressed about only including the highly relevant--in other words, you hit the golden mean I describe.
Tone: relaxed, chatty, informative, available. Voice: yours, so far as I know it at this early point in the semester. Content: interesting (and 'interesting' is not a brush-off adjective AFAIC; it means what it says: I was interested [as long as I was not personally expected to swim with stingrays].)
What I have done to make this tighter was to write the first paragraph to get me started, then delete most of it. I'm getting better at leaving out the fluff that has no real impact on the story. At least I think I am!!
ReplyDeleteWhat does AFAIC mean? I could try to make something up, but it probably wouldn't end well!
And no, I would not expect you to get in with the stingrays, although I would strongly encourage you to do so!
Yep, As Far As I'm Concerned, opening grafs are often targets for later cuts, once writing momentum is gained.
ReplyDelete